How to Choose a Divorce Mediator in California

If you and your spouse are choosing a divorce mediator in California, qualities commonly associated with effective mediators include neutrality, clear explanation of the process and its limits, training in the issues the two of you are working to settle, and transparency about what confidentiality does and does not cover. A mediator helps you both reach agreement. A mediator never decides for you.

Most people facing this choice have already made one hard decision, which is to try working things out together rather than handing every question to a judge. Now they are looking at names on a screen and wondering what separates one mediator from another, whether the court's mediation is the same thing, and what they are actually signing up for. Sometimes only one spouse is doing the reading and hoping to bring back something fair to both. This guide walks through what a mediator's role is under California law, how private mediation differs from the court's custody program, and the questions that help couples in San Diego County, and anywhere in California through online mediation, compare their options.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

What a Divorce Mediator Does — and Does Not Do

Evidence Code section 1115 defines the role. Under that section, "mediation" is "a process in which a neutral person or persons facilitate communication between the disputants to assist them in reaching a mutually acceptable agreement," and a "mediator" is "a neutral person who conducts a mediation." Put plainly, a mediator is a neutral person who helps both spouses talk through the issues so they can reach an agreement they both accept.

That definition also tells you what a mediator is not. A mediator does not represent either spouse, speak up for one side, or look out for one spouse's interests over the other's. A mediator does not act as either spouse's lawyer. And a mediator does not decide anything. You and your spouse make every decision, and if you do not agree, nothing is settled. A longer look at how these roles compare appears in the page on divorce mediator vs. divorce lawyer.

Either spouse may have a lawyer of their own during mediation. California law does not require it, and it does not forbid it. Some couples mediate without separate lawyers; others have one or both spouses consult a lawyer along the way.

It also helps to know that "mediation" in California family law can mean two very different things. Private divorce mediation is something spouses choose. The court's child custody mediation is something the law requires in certain cases. Under Family Code section 3170(a), when it appears from a petition or other pleading that custody, visitation, or both are contested, "the court shall set the contested issues for mediation." In San Diego County, that court process is child custody recommending counseling with the court's Family Court Services.

The court's process can carry real weight. Under Family Code section 3183(a), except as provided in section 3188, the court's mediator may, consistent with local court rules, submit a recommendation to the court about custody or visitation, if the mediator first gives that recommendation in writing to the parties and their attorneys before the hearing. A mediator who does this is called a "child custody recommending counselor." Family Court Services explains that if no agreement is reached, the counselor makes a recommendation and the court hearing proceeds. The judge decides. Under Family Code section 3170(b), domestic violence cases are handled by Family Court Services under a separate written protocol approved by the Judicial Council.

Simple Divorce Mediation is a private mediation practice. It is not part of the court, Family Court Services, or any government program.

Credentials and Training: What California Requires and What to Look For

California does not issue a separate state license for private divorce mediators, which means people from many backgrounds offer mediation. For couples comparing mediators, this changes the question. Instead of asking "is this person licensed to mediate," the more useful question becomes "what has this person done to prepare, and what standards do they follow."

Mediators commonly come from family law, mental health, or financial backgrounds. Each brings a different strength. Someone with a family law background may be comfortable explaining how California's disclosure rules and court approval work. Someone from a mental health field may bring skill in helping tense conversations stay steady. Someone with a financial background may be at ease with budgets and accounts. None of these backgrounds turns a mediator into an advocate for either spouse; the neutral role stays the same.

When a mediator is also a lawyer, the person is sometimes called an attorney-mediator. In that role the person still acts as a neutral, not as either spouse's lawyer. Business and Professions Code section 6125 provides that "no person shall practice law in California unless the person is an active licensee of the State Bar," which is one reason couples sometimes ask whether a mediator is a licensed attorney. The page on the attorney-mediator role covers this in more depth.

A few public starting points can help a search:

• The State Bar of California lets the public look up a lawyer's license status and offers lawyer referral information. The State Bar's Board of Legal Specialization certifies some lawyers as family law specialists, and that designation appears on the State Bar's records.
• The California Courts Self-Help Guide explains court processes and court-connected resources.
• Private directories such as mediate.com and mediation.com list mediators. These are places to begin a search, not endorsements.

Questions that tend to clarify a mediator's background include what training the person has completed, what professional standards guide their work, and whether they belong to a professional organization with a code of ethics.

Private Mediation vs. Court-Connected Programs in California

Three different things often get called "mediation" or "court help," and they are easy to mix up when you are tired and searching late at night.

Private divorce mediation. You and your spouse choose to work with a neutral mediator outside of court hearings. Mediation can cover all of your divorce issues or only some of them, including property, spousal support, child support, and custody and visitation. Simple Divorce Mediation mediates California divorces for couples in San Diego County and, online, for couples anywhere in California. The page on online divorce mediation explains how the same California rules apply when sessions happen by video.

Court self-help resources. The California Courts Self-Help Guide describes family law facilitators and self-help centers available through California's superior courts. These help people understand court forms and steps. They are separate from private mediation.

Court custody mediation. As described above, when custody or visitation is contested, Family Code section 3170 requires the court to set those issues for mediation. In San Diego County, family law cases are heard by the Superior Court of California, County of San Diego, and its Family Court Services provides child custody recommending counseling. That process is part of the court. It is not private mediation and it is not connected to Simple Divorce Mediation. The page on private vs. court mediation lays the two side by side.

Where a case is filed and which rules apply depend on the spouses' circumstances, such as where each of you lives.

Confidentiality in Private Divorce Mediation

Evidence Code section 1119 sets the general rule for private mediation: except as the Evidence Code's mediation chapter otherwise provides, what is said in mediation and writings prepared for it are not admissible or subject to discovery in later civil and other noncriminal proceedings, and "all communications, negotiations, or settlement discussions by and between participants in the course of a mediation or a mediation consultation shall remain confidential." That protection is strong, but it is not absolute.

The most important exception concerns the agreement itself. Under Evidence Code section 1123, a written settlement agreement prepared in or under a mediation is not protected from disclosure by the mediation chapter if the spouses sign it and any of these conditions is met: the agreement says it is admissible or subject to disclosure; the agreement says it is enforceable or binding; all parties expressly agree to its disclosure, in writing or orally as section 1118 allows; or the agreement is used to show fraud, duress, or illegality relevant to an issue in dispute. Because divorce agreements are usually meant to be binding, a signed mediated agreement is often not private in the way the discussions were.

Evidence Code section 1115(c) defines a "mediation consultation" as a communication between a person and a mediator for the purpose of starting, considering, or restarting a mediation, or hiring the mediator.

If either spouse has a lawyer, Evidence Code section 1129 requires that lawyer to give the client a printed disclosure of the confidentiality restrictions in section 1119, and get a signed acknowledgment, as soon as reasonably possible before the client agrees to participate in mediation, or as soon as reasonably possible after being retained if the lawyer is hired later.

The court's custody mediation follows different rules. Evidence Code section 1117(b) says the Evidence Code's mediation chapter does not apply to proceedings under Chapter 11 of Part 2 of Division 8 of the Family Code, which begins with section 3160. Those court proceedings are instead held in private and are confidential under Family Code section 3177.

What Mediation Can and Cannot Resolve in a California Divorce

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Mediation may not be right for every couple. Where there has been domestic violence, coercion, or a protective order, safety comes first, and no one should feel pressed to sit down with the other spouse. The page on high-conflict divorce mediation discusses safety in more detail.

For couples where mediation does fit, private mediation can help you and your spouse reach agreement on property division, spousal support, child support, and custody and visitation. Agreements on these issues still go to the court for approval before they become court orders. Couples weighing the tradeoffs sometimes find the page on the disadvantages of divorce mediation helpful.

Child support has its own rule. Under Family Code section 4065(a), unless federal law prohibits it, parents may agree on a child support amount subject to the court's approval, but the court will not approve an amount below the guideline formula unless the parents declare all of the following: they are fully informed of their rights concerning child support; the order is agreed to without coercion or duress; the agreement is in the best interests of the children; the children's needs will be adequately met by the agreed amount; and the right to support has not been assigned to the county and no public assistance application is pending.

Mediation does not remove the duty of financial disclosure. Under Family Code section 2104(f), each spouse serves a preliminary declaration of disclosure, a sworn summary of assets, debts, and income, with the petition or response, or within 60 days of filing it, unless the spouses extend that time by written agreement or the court extends it by order; when the petitioner served the summons and petition by publication or posting under a court order and the respondent files a response before a default judgment is entered, the petitioner has 30 days from that response.

The final round has its own timing. Under Family Code section 2105(a), except by court order for good cause, each spouse serves a final declaration of disclosure and a current income and expense declaration before or at the time the spouses enter into an agreement resolving property or support issues other than temporary support, or, if the case goes to trial, no later than 45 days before the first assigned trial date. A waiver of the final declaration must be mutual. Under Family Code section 2105(d), it must be executed under penalty of perjury in open court or by separate stipulation and include each of these representations: both spouses have completed and exchanged preliminary declarations; both have exchanged current income and expense declarations; both have fully complied with section 2102 and updated their disclosures; the waiver is knowing, intelligent, and voluntary; and both understand that the waiver does not limit their disclosure obligations but is instead a sworn statement that those obligations have been met, and that noncompliance can lead the court to set the judgment aside.

Timing of the divorce itself is also set by statute. Under Family Code section 2339, subject to its listed exceptions, a judgment ending the marriage is not final until six months have passed from the date the summons and petition are served or the date the respondent appears in the case, whichever occurs first, and the court may extend that period for good cause.

Whether mediation turns out faster, less costly, or less stressful than litigation depends on the couple and the issues. It may be, but no one can promise it.

Questions to Ask Before You Choose a Mediator

A short list of questions can turn a stack of names into a real comparison. Questions worth considering include:

Training and standards. What training has the mediator completed? What professional organization do they belong to, and what code of ethics governs their work?

Process. How does the mediator structure the work? How are both spouses kept equally informed? What happens if you and your spouse reach an impasse, meaning you are stuck on an issue and cannot move forward?

Scope. Does the mediator work with couples who have children, property, or support issues to resolve? Can the mediation cover all issues or just some?

Confidentiality. How does the mediator explain the scope and limits of confidentiality under California's Evidence Code, including what happens to a signed agreement?

Legal advice. Does the mediator explain the difference between mediation and legal representation? Are both spouses told that each may consult their own lawyer if they want one?

Listening to how a mediator answers can tell you as much as the answers themselves. Clear, even-handed explanations that speak to both of you are a good sign of the neutral role the law describes.

If You'd Like to Talk Through Your Situation

Choosing a mediator is easier once the moving parts are clear: the neutral role, the difference between private and court mediation, what confidentiality covers, and which legal duties stay in place no matter how you settle. A conversation can help you and your spouse see how those pieces fit the issues in front of you, whether that is a parenting plan, support, property, or all three. The practice does not represent either spouse and does not decide anything for you; that stays with the two of you.

To talk through how mediation could work for you and your spouse, call Simple Divorce Mediation at 858-330-1378 for a joint mediation consultation.

About this article. Reviewed by Amy J. Lass, CA Bar No. 246779. Last updated 2026-10-08.