Co-Parenting Mediation in California

Co-parenting mediation is a process in which separating or divorcing parents meet with a neutral mediator who helps them talk through how they will raise their children apart, so they can reach a parenting plan they both accept. The mediator does not take sides or decide anything. In California, the parents' agreement becomes a court order only after the court approves it.

Most people facing this question are in the middle of something hard: a marriage ending, two households forming, and children who still need a steady routine, a school pickup plan and a way to spend the holidays. Many parents arrive at this page because they have heard the word "mediation" used for two very different things, a private process they choose together and a court process that can be required, and they are not sure which one applies to them. Some are reading on behalf of both parents, hoping to find a calmer way to settle the parenting questions before a judge has to.

This article walks through what co-parenting mediation is, what it can cover, how it differs from the court's custody mediation in San Diego County and elsewhere in California, how confidentiality works, why financial disclosure still applies, and when mediation may not be the right setting at all.

What Co-Parenting Mediation Is — and What It Is Not

California's Evidence Code gives mediation a plain definition. Under Evidence Code section 1115, mediation is "a process in which a neutral person or persons facilitate communication between the disputants to assist them in reaching a mutually acceptable agreement," and a mediator is "a neutral person who conducts a mediation." In co-parenting mediation, the questions on the table are about your children: where they live, how decisions get made and how the two of you will share the work of raising them.

The word "neutral" carries the weight here. A mediator does not represent either parent, does not advocate for either parent and is not either parent's lawyer. A mediator also does not decide anything. Unlike a judge, a mediator cannot issue an order, and unlike an attorney, a mediator does not give one parent advice about how to get a better result than the other. The mediator's job is to help both of you communicate clearly enough to find an arrangement you can both live with.

Either parent may have an attorney of their own during mediation. Some parents consult a lawyer before or between sessions; others do not. The law leaves that choice to each parent.

Private co-parenting mediation is also different from the court's custody mediation. Private mediation is something both parents choose to do together, and it can cover every part of a parenting plan. The court's program, described below, is required in certain contested cases and works under its own rules. For a closer look at how the two compare, see the overview of private vs. court mediation.

What Co-Parenting Mediation Can Cover

A parenting plan is the written arrangement that describes how parents will share time with and responsibility for their children. Co-parenting mediation is a place to build that plan piece by piece, and it can address both kinds of custody California recognizes.

Legal custody means the right and responsibility to make decisions about a child's health, education and welfare: which school, which doctor, how to handle a serious medical choice. Physical custody means where the child lives and the time the child spends with each parent. Parents can share either kind jointly, or one parent can hold it, and the two kinds do not have to match.

Parenting time schedules are often the center of the conversation. Some families alternate weeks, some split the week, and some build a schedule around one parent's work hours or a child's activities. No single schedule is correct for every family. California's public policy, stated in Family Code section 3020, makes the health, safety and welfare of children the court's primary concern and encourages frequent and continuing contact with both parents, except when that contact would not be in the child's best interests. Mediated plans are usually shaped with that framework in mind.

Other common topics include:

• Holidays, vacations and special occasions — birthdays, school breaks, religious holidays and travel.
• Communication between co-parents — how and how often you share updates, which tools you use, and how you handle disagreements before they grow.
• Transitions and exchanges — where and when children move between homes.
• Decision-making routines — how you consult each other on school, medical and activity choices.

Child support can be part of the discussion too, with an important limit. Under Family Code section 4065(a), unless federal law prohibits it, parents may agree on a child support amount subject to the court's approval, and the court will not approve an amount below the guideline formula unless the parents declare all of the following: they are fully informed of their rights concerning child support; the order is agreed to without coercion or duress; the agreement is in the best interests of the children; the children's needs will be adequately met by the agreed amount; and the right to support has not been assigned to the county and no public assistance application is pending. Parents cannot simply pick any number. More on support and parenting plans together is in the guide to divorce mediation with children.

Finally, a mediated parenting plan is an agreement between the two of you, not yet a court order. It becomes enforceable as an order once it is submitted to and approved by the court. The article on parenting plan mediation goes deeper into how plans are drafted.

Co-parenting mediation also works after an order already exists. A joint custody order may be modified or terminated on the petition of one or both parents, or on the court's own motion, if it is shown that the best interest of the child requires modification or termination; if either parent opposes the change, the court states in its decision the reasons for modifying or terminating the order (Family Code section 3087). Mediation is one way parents can work out what that change should look like before asking the court to approve it.

Private Co-Parenting Mediation and the Court's Custody Mediation: Two Distinct Processes

Here is where much of the confusion comes from. Family Code section 3170(a) says that if it appears on the face of a petition, application or other pleading to obtain or modify a temporary or permanent custody or visitation order that custody, visitation or both are contested, "the court shall set the contested issues for mediation." That court mediation is mandatory, not voluntary.

In San Diego County, family law cases are heard by the Superior Court of California, County of San Diego, and the court's custody mediation there is child custody recommending counseling with the court's Family Court Services, under Family Code sections 3170 and 3183. Under Family Code section 3183(a), except as provided in section 3188, the mediator may, consistent with local court rules, submit a recommendation to the court about custody or visitation, if the mediator has first given the recommendation in writing to the parties and their attorneys, including counsel for any minor children, before the hearing. A mediator authorized to do this is called a child custody recommending counselor; Family Court Services calls this person the Family Court Counselor.

According to the court's Family Court Services, if the parents do not reach an agreement, the counselor makes a recommendation and the court hearing proceeds. The counselor's recommendation can carry real weight, and the judge decides the outcome.

Family Code section 3170(b) adds that domestic violence cases are handled by Family Court Services in accordance with a separate written protocol approved by the Judicial Council.

The confidentiality rules also differ. Evidence Code section 1117(b) says the Evidence Code's mediation confidentiality chapter does not apply to court custody mediation proceedings under Chapter 11 of Part 2 of Division 8 of the Family Code (commencing with section 3160). Those proceedings are instead governed by Family Code section 3177, which says they "shall be held in private and shall be confidential."

Simple Divorce Mediation offers private mediation only. The practice is not connected to the court, Family Court Services or any government program. Parents sometimes use private mediation to work out a parenting plan together, whether they live in San Diego County or, through online mediation, anywhere in California. More on the court side appears in the guide to child custody mediation, and the California Courts self-help site at selfhelp.courts.ca.gov explains the court process in general terms.

Confidentiality in Private Co-Parenting Mediation

For parents worried that something said in a hard moment could later be used against them, the confidentiality rules matter a great deal. Evidence Code section 1119 provides that, except as the Evidence Code's mediation chapter otherwise provides, evidence of anything said or any admission made for the purpose of, in the course of, or pursuant to a mediation or mediation consultation is not admissible or subject to discovery; writings prepared for those purposes are protected the same way; and all communications, negotiations or settlement discussions between participants remain confidential.

A mediation consultation has its own definition. Under Evidence Code section 1115(c), it is "a communication between a person and a mediator for the purpose of initiating, considering, or reconvening a mediation or retaining the mediator."

That confidentiality is not absolute. Under Evidence Code section 1123, a written settlement agreement prepared in the course of or pursuant to a mediation, and signed by the settling parties, is not made inadmissible or protected from disclosure if any of these conditions is met: the agreement says it is admissible or subject to disclosure, or words to that effect; it says it is enforceable or binding, or words to that effect; all parties expressly agree in writing, or orally as the Evidence Code allows, to its disclosure; or it is used to show fraud, duress or illegality relevant to an issue in dispute. Because a parenting agreement usually needs to be enforceable, its terms are typically not kept secret from the court.

Attorneys have a duty here as well. Under Evidence Code section 1129, an attorney representing a client in a mediation or mediation consultation must, as soon as reasonably possible before the client agrees to participate, give the client a printed disclosure of the section 1119 confidentiality restrictions and get the client's signed acknowledgment; an attorney retained after the client has agreed to participate must do so as soon as reasonably possible after being retained.

These Evidence Code rules apply to private mediation. They do not govern the court's custody mediation, which is confidential under Family Code section 3177, as described above.

Financial Disclosure Still Applies When You Mediate

A common belief is that working things out in mediation means the paperwork can be skipped. It cannot. Mediation does not remove the duty of financial disclosure, and it does not shorten or informally replace the declarations of disclosure.

Under Family Code section 2104(f), the petitioner serves the preliminary declaration of disclosure with the petition or within 60 days of filing it, and the respondent serves theirs with the response or within 60 days of filing it, unless the parties extend that time by written agreement or the court extends it by order. When the petitioner served the summons and petition by publication or posting under a court order and the respondent files a response before a default judgment is entered, the petitioner has 30 days from that response.

Under Family Code section 2105(a), except by court order for good cause, each party serves a final declaration of disclosure and a current income and expense declaration before or at the time the parties enter into an agreement resolving property or support issues other than temporary support, or, if the case goes to trial, no later than 45 days before the first assigned trial date, unless the parties mutually waive the final declaration. Section 2105(a) also notes that perjury on the final declaration may be grounds for setting aside the judgment or any part of it.

A waiver of the final declaration must be mutual, never one parent alone. Under section 2105(d), it is executed under penalty of perjury in open court or by separate stipulation, and it must include the representations that section lists, including that both parties have complied with section 2104 and that the preliminary declarations have been completed and exchanged. Because child support turns on income, these disclosures often feed directly into the parenting conversation. The guide to property division mediation covers how disclosure supports the financial side.

When Co-Parenting Mediation May Not Be Appropriate

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Mediation may not be right for every couple. It depends on both parents being able to speak freely and make choices without fear. Where there has been domestic violence, coercion or a protective order, safety comes first, and no parent should feel pressed to sit down and mediate with the other. Family Code section 3011 directs the court, when deciding a child's best interests, to consider factors including the child's health, safety and welfare and any history of abuse, and the court's own custody mediation handles domestic violence cases under a separate written protocol.

Other situations can also make private mediation a poor fit, such as when one parent cannot participate freely or when financial information is being withheld. Parents weighing these concerns can read more about when mediation is not appropriate.

If You'd Like to Talk Through Your Parenting Questions

Co-parenting mediation sits where two very different processes meet, and the details matter: whether a custody filing has already been made, what each of you is hoping the schedule looks like, how support and disclosures fit in, and whether mediation feels safe for both of you. A conversation with the practice can be a place to talk through how private mediation works for parents in San Diego County or, online, anywhere in California, and how it relates to the court process. The mediator stays neutral and does not represent either of you, and either of you may have your own attorney.

To learn more about how private co-parenting mediation works and whether it may be a fit, call Simple Divorce Mediation at 858-330-1378 for a joint mediation consultation.

About this article. Reviewed by Amy J. Lass, CA Bar No. 246779. Last updated 2026-10-08.