Parenting Plan Mediation in California: What It Is and How It Works

Parenting plan mediation is a process in which a neutral mediator helps you and your spouse talk through custody and a time-sharing schedule for your children so you can reach a written agreement you both accept. The mediator does not represent either parent or decide anything. In California, private mediation is separate from the court's custody mediation.

Most people facing this question are two parents at a turning point. You are separating or divorcing, and questions arise about where your children will sleep on a Tuesday, who signs the school forms, and how holidays will go. Your spouse may also be reading this page, or you may be reading on behalf of you both. Under all of it sits a simpler worry: whether the two of you can make these decisions together without handing them to a judge.

This page explains what a parenting plan is under California law, what mediation is and is not, what topics a plan usually covers, how far confidentiality reaches, when the court itself sends custody to mediation, and what helps the process move forward. It is written for couples in San Diego County, including Carlsbad, Encinitas and Oceanside, and for couples anywhere in California who mediate online.

What a Parenting Plan Is Under California Law

A parenting plan is the written agreement or court order that sets out how separated parents will share custody of and time with their children. It answers two separate questions, and California law gives each its own name.

Legal custody is the right and responsibility to make decisions about a child's health, education and welfare. Under Family Code section 3003, joint legal custody means both parents share that right and responsibility. Under section 3006, sole legal custody means one parent holds it.

Physical custody is about where the child lives and who supervises the child day to day. Family Code section 3004 defines joint physical custody as each parent having "significant periods of physical custody," shared in a way that assures the child "frequent and continuing contact with both parents," subject to Sections 3011 and 3020. Section 3007 defines sole physical custody as the child living with and being supervised by one parent, subject to the court's power to order visitation.

When a court makes or reviews custody orders, it is guided by the best interest of the child. Family Code section 3011 directs the court to consider factors including the child's health, safety and welfare, any history of abuse, the nature and amount of contact with both parents, and habitual substance abuse by either parent. Family Code section 3020 adds that the child's health, safety and welfare are the court's primary concern, and that it is state policy to support frequent and continuing contact with both parents except when that contact would not be in the child's best interest. Where a child is old enough and able to form an intelligent preference, section 3042 says the court considers and gives due weight to the child's wishes.

A parenting plan can come about in two ways. Parents can reach it by agreement, or the court can order it after a hearing. California law does not favor one custody arrangement over another for every family; the question is always what serves this particular child.

What Parenting Plan Mediation Is — and What It Is Not

California's Evidence Code gives mediation a precise meaning. Under Evidence Code section 1115, mediation is:

"a process in which a neutral person or persons facilitate communication between the disputants to assist them in reaching a mutually acceptable agreement."

The same section defines a mediator as "a neutral person who conducts a mediation." That word, neutral, carries the whole role. A mediator does not represent you or your spouse, does not advocate for either of you, and does not decide anything for you. The decisions stay with the two parents. The mediator's work is helping you hear each other, sort the issues, and test ideas until you find terms you can both accept, or learn which issues remain open.

Private parenting plan mediation is something parents choose. Court custody mediation, by contrast, is set by the court when custody or visitation is contested; it is described in the section on court-ordered custody mediation below.

Simple Divorce Mediation is a private practice. It is separate from, and not connected to, the Superior Court of California, County of San Diego, its Family Court Services, or any government program. For a wider view of how private mediation works for couples in San Diego and online across the state, see the overview of divorce mediation in California.

Either parent may have an attorney of their own during private mediation. Neither is required to, and neither is barred from it.

What a Parenting Plan Covers: Topics You and Your Spouse Work Through

The substance of a parenting plan is everyday family life, written down clearly enough that both households can follow it. The topics vary by family, but they commonly include:

• Legal custody, joint or sole. Who makes decisions about health care, schooling and welfare, and how. Many parents also address religious upbringing here, and whether certain decisions need both parents' consent.
• Physical custody and the regular schedule. Where the child lives during the school week and on weekends, how exchanges happen, and who handles transportation.
• Holidays and vacations. How birthdays, school breaks, religious and cultural holidays, and summer travel are shared, often alternating by year.
• Communication between parents. How day-to-day information is shared, how a parent raises a concern, and how the two of you handle a disagreement before it becomes a dispute.
• Changes over time. How the plan will be revisited as a toddler becomes a teenager, or when a parent's work or home changes.

These parts of parenting plan mediation often feel the most personal, because they are about your child's ordinary week. A more detailed look at mediation with children walks through how these topics fit with the rest of a divorce.

Child support is related to the parenting plan but legally separate. Parents may agree on child support in mediation, but the agreement is subject to the court's approval. Under Family Code section 4065(a), unless federal law prohibits it, the court will not approve an agreed amount below the guideline formula unless the parents declare all of the following: they are fully informed of their rights concerning child support; the order is agreed to without coercion or duress; the agreement is in the best interests of the children; the children's needs will be adequately met by the agreed amount; and the right to support has not been assigned to the county and no public assistance application is pending. Section 4065(d) adds that if parents agree to a below-guideline amount, no change of circumstances needs to be shown later to modify support to the guideline level or above.

Confidentiality in Parenting Plan Mediation

What you say in mediation is generally protected. Under Evidence Code section 1119, except as the Evidence Code's mediation chapter otherwise provides, statements and writings made for the purpose of, in the course of, or pursuant to a mediation are not admissible or subject to discovery in civil and other noncriminal proceedings, and communications between participants in the course of a mediation remain confidential.

That protection has limits, and a parenting plan agreement is where the limits matter most. Under Evidence Code section 1123, a written settlement agreement prepared in mediation and signed by the settling parties can be admitted or disclosed if any of these conditions is met: the agreement says it is admissible or subject to disclosure, or words to that effect; it says it is enforceable or binding, or words to that effect; all parties expressly agree in writing, or orally as section 1118 allows, to its disclosure; or it is used to show fraud, duress or illegality relevant to an issue in dispute. A signed agreement meant to become part of your court case will often say it is binding, which means it can be shown to the court. Confidentiality in mediation is real, but it is not absolute.

When a parent has an attorney in mediation, Evidence Code section 1129 requires the attorney to give the client a printed disclosure of these confidentiality restrictions, and get the client's signed acknowledgment, as soon as reasonably possible before the client agrees to participate, or, if the attorney is retained after the client has agreed, as soon as reasonably possible after being retained.

When Court-Ordered Custody Mediation Applies in California

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Not all family law mediation is voluntary. Under Family Code section 3170, if it appears on the face of a petition, application or other pleading to obtain or modify a custody or visitation order that custody, visitation or both are contested, the court shall set the contested issues for mediation. In that setting, mediation is part of the court case, not a choice the parents make on their own.

Counties do not all run this process the same way. Family Code section 3183(a) lets the court's mediator, consistent with local court rules and except as section 3188 provides, submit a recommendation to the court, once it has been given in writing to the parties and their attorneys, including counsel for any minor children, before the hearing. Where that applies, the process is called child custody recommending counseling. San Diego County uses this recommending model through Family Court Services, which calls the person who conducts it a Family Court Counselor. According to Family Court Services, if no agreement is reached, the Family Court Counselor makes a recommendation and the court hearing proceeds. The judge decides. Section 3183 also allows the mediator, where parents have not reached agreement, to recommend an investigation or other services before the hearing, and in appropriate cases to recommend restraining orders to protect the child. The California Courts' self-help resources and the San Diego Superior Court describe the court-side process.

Family Code section 3170(b) provides that domestic violence cases are handled by Family Court Services under a separate written protocol approved by the Judicial Council. Where there has been domestic violence, coercion or a protective order, safety comes first. Private mediation with the other parent may not be appropriate in those circumstances, and nothing on this page is meant to encourage it.

Preparing for Parenting Plan Mediation: What Helps the Process Move Forward

A common doubt is whether there is anything to prepare at all, since the conversation is about your own children. In practice, organized information helps a great deal. Useful items often include the child's current weekly schedule, school calendars and activity commitments, each parent's work schedule, any child care arrangements, and copies of any existing temporary orders. The guide to preparing for divorce mediation covers the wider set of documents a divorce involves.

Mediation tends to work well when both parents keep returning to the child's needs rather than to grievances between the spouses. The past usually matters to both of you, and it can come up. Plans that hold up over time, though, are usually built around a child's school day, friendships and routines rather than around who was right.

Because the mediator is neutral, neither parent can count on the mediator to take a side or confirm a position. That can feel unsettling at first if you were hoping someone would tell your spouse you are right. It is also what allows both of you to trust the process.

Several things tend to slow parenting plan mediation down, including unresolved factual disagreements about what the current arrangement really is, incomplete financial information when child support is part of the discussion, and issues that need the court's involvement, such as safety concerns. Sometimes parents reach a partial agreement and leave a narrow question open; how a signed agreement then fits into the case is covered in the guide to the divorce mediation agreement.

If You'd Like to Talk Through Your Parenting Plan

A parenting plan touches the most ordinary and most important parts of your children's lives, and the rules around it, from custody definitions to confidentiality to court approval of child support, interact in ways that are easier to see when applied to your own family. A conversation with the practice can be a place to talk through whether private mediation fits your situation, whether you live in San Diego County or elsewhere in California and would mediate online.

To talk through how this applies to you and your spouse, call Simple Divorce Mediation at 858-330-1378 for a joint mediation consultation.

About this article. Reviewed by Amy J. Lass, CA Bar No. 246779. Last updated 2026-10-04.