Reaching Agreement in Divorce Mediation: A Step-by-Step Guide for California Couples

Reaching agreement in California divorce mediation usually follows a path. You and your spouse identify the issues to resolve and exchange the financial disclosures the law requires. You then work through each issue with a neutral mediator and put the terms in a signed written agreement. Finally, you submit that agreement to the court for a judgment, which cannot be final until the six-month waiting period has run.

Most people facing this process have never negotiated anything this personal. You may be wondering how a conversation about the house, the retirement accounts and the children's school weeks can end in a document a judge will sign. You may also be unsure what to say in the room, or whether one hard issue means the whole effort is over. Some of you are reading alone and hoping to explain it to your spouse later. This guide walks through each stage of private divorce mediation in California. That includes couples in San Diego County and couples anywhere in the state who mediate online. It also explains where the court's separate custody mediation fits.

Before You Begin: What Mediation Is and What It Is Not

Evidence Code section 1115 defines mediation as a process in which a neutral person facilitates communication between the disputants to help them reach a mutually acceptable agreement. The mediator is that neutral person. A mediator does not represent either spouse, does not advocate for either of you and does not decide anything for you. Every term in your agreement is one you and your spouse both accept.

Either spouse may consult or hire a lawyer of their own at any point. Mediation does not require it, and it does not rule it out.

Mediation also does not change the law's disclosure rules. Both spouses still complete the declarations of disclosure that Family Code sections 2104 and 2105 require. A declaration of disclosure is a sworn statement of your assets, debts, income and expenses. Step 2 covers these declarations.

Mediation is generally confidential. Under Evidence Code section 1119, anything said and any writing prepared for the purpose of a mediation or in the course of it is generally not admissible as evidence and not subject to discovery, except as the Evidence Code's mediation chapter otherwise provides. That protection is not absolute. For example, Evidence Code section 1123 lists situations in which a signed written settlement agreement can be admitted or disclosed. Step 4 covers those situations.

Mediation is not right for every couple. Where there has been domestic violence, coercion or a protective order, safety comes first, and mediating with the other spouse may not be appropriate. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Private divorce mediation is also separate from the court's child custody mediation, which follows different rules. A later section of this guide explains the court's process.

Step 1: Decide What Issues You and Your Spouse Need to Resolve

A complete California divorce agreement usually covers four areas:

• dividing community property and debts
• spousal support, if either spouse will pay it
• child custody and visitation, if you have children
• child support, if you have children

Couples who arrive knowing which of these apply to them tend to find the first sessions more focused.

Community property. California is a community property state. Property and debts acquired during the marriage are generally community property. Except where the spouses agree in writing, stipulate orally in open court, or the law otherwise provides, Family Code section 2550 directs the court to divide the community estate equally. The court values the community's assets and liabilities as near as practicable to the time of trial. On 30 days' notice by the moving party to the other party, the court for good cause may value all or any portion of the assets and liabilities at a date after separation and before trial, to accomplish an equal division of the community estate in an equitable manner (Family Code section 2552).

Separate property. Separate property generally includes what a spouse owned before marriage and what a spouse received by gift or inheritance during it. Each spouse generally keeps their own separate property.

Reimbursement for separate contributions. Family Code section 2640(b) addresses separate money that helped acquire community property. The covered contributions are downpayments, payments for improvements, and payments that reduce the principal of a loan used to buy or improve the property. Payments of interest, maintenance, insurance or taxes do not count. A spouse who traces those contributions to a separate-property source is reimbursed unless that spouse has made a written waiver of the right or signed a writing that has the effect of a waiver. The reimbursement is paid without interest or adjustment for inflation, and it may not exceed the net value of the property at the time of division.

The opposite situation. Sometimes community money pays down the loan on one spouse's separate-property home. That situation is handled by a different rule, often called Moore/Marsden apportionment, which can give the community an interest in that home.

Businesses. A business's value can include goodwill. Its value is decided on the evidence, often with the help of experts.

Retirement accounts. Except as its subdivision (b) provides, Family Code section 2610 directs the court to make the orders needed so each spouse receives a full community share of a retirement plan, including survivor and death benefits.

Child support. Parents may agree on an amount, but the agreement is subject to the court's approval. The court does not approve an amount below the guideline formula unless the parents declare each of the following (Family Code section 4065(a)):

• they are fully informed of their rights concerning child support
• the order is agreed to without coercion or duress
• the agreement is in the children's best interests
• the stipulated amount will adequately meet the children's needs
• the right to support has not been assigned to the county and no public assistance application is pending

Many couples begin gathering records before sessions start. These records commonly include account statements, tax returns, mortgage statements and retirement account statements. Which documents matter depends on your own finances.

Step 2: Complete Your Financial Disclosures

The disclosure process runs alongside mediation. It is a legal obligation that mediation does not replace.

The preliminary declaration of disclosure. Under Family Code section 2104, each spouse serves this declaration with the petition or response, or within 60 days of filing it. The parties may extend that time by written agreement, or the court may extend it by order. One special timing rule applies when the petitioner served the summons and petition by publication or posting under a court order. In that case, if the respondent files a response before a default judgment is entered, the petitioner has 30 days from that response.

The preliminary declaration is signed under penalty of perjury and includes the tax returns the declarant filed in the two years before serving it. It is not filed with the court unless the court orders it, but proof of service is filed. Perjury on the declaration can be grounds for setting aside the judgment, or part of it.

The final declaration of disclosure. Except by court order for good cause, each spouse serves a final declaration of disclosure and a current income and expense declaration before or at the time the spouses enter into an agreement resolving property or support issues other than temporary support. If the case goes to trial instead, they are due no later than 45 days before the first assigned trial date (Family Code section 2105(a)).

Waiving the final declaration. The spouses may waive the final declaration, but only together. A waiver must be mutual, never one spouse alone. It must be executed under penalty of perjury, either in open court or by separate stipulation, and it must include the representations Family Code section 2105(d) lists.

Mediating does not let spouses skip, shorten or informally replace any of these declarations. Complete, accurate disclosure is the foundation of every agreement reached in mediation. An agreement built on missing information may not hold.

Step 3: How the Negotiation Unfolds in Mediation Sessions

This is the step most couples picture when they think of mediation, and it is often the one they feel least sure about.

The mediator's role, under Evidence Code section 1115, is to facilitate communication so you and your spouse can reach an agreement you both accept. The mediator does not decide any issue, advocate for either spouse or represent either of you. That role does not change whether you meet in person or through online divorce mediation.

Issues are usually taken in turn. Sessions typically address one issue or a cluster of related issues at a time. A couple might work through property first, then support, then parenting arrangements. The order is flexible and can follow whatever makes sense for the couple.

Either spouse can raise anything. Either of you can raise an issue, ask a question or propose a solution. The mediator helps each spouse hear the other and explore options neither had considered.

There is no rule about who goes first. Either spouse can make the first proposal on an issue. The mediator may invite proposals or offer a framework to structure the discussion.

How you speak matters. Some kinds of language tend to close off options:

• assigning blame
• issuing ultimatums
• treating the process as a contest

Discussions tend to move when both spouses focus on what each needs going forward, rather than revisiting the past.

A stuck issue is not a failed mediation. Reaching an impasse on one issue is common. The mediator may suggest setting that issue aside and returning to it after other issues are resolved. Some couples resolve some issues and not others; a guide to partial agreement in mediation explains how that situation works.

Outside advice is available between sessions. Either spouse may consult their own attorney about any proposal before agreeing to it.

Confidentiality applies here too. What is said in sessions is generally confidential under Evidence Code section 1119, except as the Evidence Code's mediation chapter otherwise provides. That confidentiality is not absolute.

Step 4: Turning Your Agreement into a Written Settlement Agreement

Once you and your spouse agree on every issue, the terms are written into a marital settlement agreement. This document may also be called a settlement agreement, or it may be prepared as a stipulated judgment. A separate guide explains how a divorce mediation agreement is put together.

When the agreement can be admitted or disclosed. Under Evidence Code section 1123, the mediation confidentiality chapter does not make a written settlement agreement inadmissible or protected from disclosure if the settling parties sign it and any one of these conditions is met:

• the agreement says it is admissible or subject to disclosure, or words to that effect
• the agreement says it is enforceable or binding, or words to that effect
• all parties expressly agree to its disclosure, in writing or orally in the manner the Evidence Code allows
• the agreement is used to show fraud, duress or illegality relevant to an issue in dispute

The court still has a role. The written agreement is submitted to the court as part of the divorce judgment. On its own, the agreement does not end the marriage. Child support terms remain subject to the court's approval and to the section 4065(a) declarations described in Step 1.

Review before signing. Either spouse may have an attorney review the agreement before signing it. Mediation neither requires nor prohibits this.

A rule for attorneys. An attorney who represents a spouse in mediation must give the client a printed disclosure of the section 1119 confidentiality restrictions and obtain the client's signed acknowledgment (Evidence Code section 1129). The attorney does this as soon as reasonably possible before the client agrees to participate. If the attorney is hired later, the attorney does it as soon as reasonably possible after being retained.

Step 5: Filing the Agreement and the Six-Month Waiting Period

The marital settlement agreement is incorporated into the judgment of dissolution, which the court enters. The divorce is not final until the court enters that judgment. A signed agreement alone does not end the marriage. More detail on this stage appears in the guide to what happens after mediation.

The waiting period. Under Family Code section 2339, a judgment of dissolution does not end the marriage until six months have passed. The period runs from whichever of these happens first:

• the date the summons and petition are served on the respondent
• the date the respondent appears in the case

The period does not run from the date of filing. The court may extend it for good cause. The guide to when a divorce becomes final explains this period further.

Summary dissolution. Family Code section 2400 provides a simplified procedure for couples who meet all of its conditions. Those conditions include having no children of the relationship, a marriage of not more than five years as of separation, and generally no interest in real property. The dollar limits in that section are set by statute and adjusted periodically.

Where the case is heard. Family law cases in San Diego County are heard by the Superior Court of California, County of San Diego. For couples elsewhere in California, where a case is filed and which rules apply depend on the spouses' circumstances, including where they live.

When the Court's Custody Mediation Is Also Required

Family Code section 3170 applies when a petition or other request for a custody or visitation order shows that custody, visitation or both are contested. In that situation, the court must set the contested issues for mediation. This mediation is not voluntary.

In San Diego County, that process is child custody recommending counseling with the court's Family Court Services (Family Code sections 3170 and 3183).

The counselor can make a recommendation. Under Family Code section 3183(a), except as section 3188 provides, the court's mediator may, consistent with local court rules, submit a recommendation to the court about custody or visitation. The mediator must first give that recommendation in writing to the parties and their attorneys, including counsel for any minor children, before the hearing. A mediator authorized to do this is called a child custody recommending counselor. Family Court Services says that if no agreement is reached, the counselor makes a recommendation and the court hearing proceeds. The judge decides custody, considering the recommendation without being bound by it.

Domestic violence cases follow their own protocol. Family Court Services handles domestic violence cases under a separate written protocol approved by the Judicial Council (Family Code section 3170(b)).

Different confidentiality rules apply. Under Evidence Code section 1117(b), the Evidence Code's mediation confidentiality chapter does not apply to this court process. Instead, Family Code section 3177 provides that these proceedings are held in private and are confidential.

Private divorce mediation and the court's custody mediation are entirely separate processes. Simple Divorce Mediation is not connected to the court, Family Court Services or any government program.

Typical Timeline: What the Process Actually Takes

The six-month waiting period under Family Code section 2339 is the legal floor. A divorce cannot be final before that period expires.

How long mediation itself takes depends on the couple and the issues. The main factors include:

• how many issues there are
• how complex the assets are
• whether both spouses come prepared with financial information
• whether any issue calls for outside expertise, such as a business valuation

Mediation may let a couple work on their own schedule rather than a court calendar. Whether it does depends on the couple and the issues. Once an agreement is signed and submitted, the court's processing time adds to the total.

When the Process Gets Complicated

Contested business value

When spouses see a business's worth differently, an expert's valuation may be needed before talks can move forward. Valuation methods themselves are beyond the scope of this guide.

Dividing a retirement plan

Dividing a retirement plan often requires a separate court order called a qualified domestic relations order, or QDRO. Preparing that order adds time after the main agreement.

Disputed separate property

Tracing separate-property contributions under section 2640 can require records going back years.

Unresolved custody

If custody stays contested, the court's custody mediation process may come into play. Some couples also need interim arrangements while they work; the guide to temporary orders during mediation covers that situation.

Mediation's limits

Mediation has real limits. The guide to the disadvantages of divorce mediation discusses them. This guide does not address how any rule applies to your specific facts.

Talking Through Your Path to Agreement

Every couple's route from first session to signed agreement looks different. The differences come from which issues apply, how the finances are organized, and whether children are involved. A consultation is a place to talk through how mediation might fit your situation, whether you are in San Diego County or elsewhere in California through online mediation. It can also cover how disclosures and issues are typically handled in California mediation, including how partial agreements and impasses are addressed.

To talk with the practice about reaching an agreement in divorce mediation, call Simple Divorce Mediation at 858-330-1378 for a joint mediation consultation.

About this article. Reviewed by Amy J. Lass, CA Bar No. 246779. Last updated 2026-10-08.